As I texted, I started to recall my memories - how my friends were going on pretty well with their relationships, but all I had was a rejected crush and, perhaps, a "gf" whom I have never really hung out with - and that's a problem on my end, I guess. And from that point onwards I decided to focus on my studies instead.
So there I am, struggling in Maths for a few hours. I am never good at Maths. So I spent hours staring the numbers and formulae, wondering what has gone wrong, to no avail. I didn't want to give up. I wanted to try the best I could. But sometimes, learning to let go seems to be the final resort.
Another thing I have been messing up with, and getting pretty annoyed with, for the last few months. The film project was finally showing some physical progress - a poster and trailer was done. And without hesitation I posted the 1-minute-10-second trailer up on Facebook. Within a minute I received one of the most classic YouTube comment, "The best of the clip is at 1:11." And he repeated that to me today. Oh wow what encouragement - without any reasons or constructive criticism, either.
As I mentioned before, often I like to learn choreography from my "idol", Lady Gaga. And that day when I accidentally made a few moves from her song Judas, people next to me were laughing so hard and I have not an idea why they were laughing - perhaps because I was looking very stupid. But then isn't dancing a form of art? What's worth the laughing? Those laughs feel more like jeers to me.
Well perhaps another reason is that I have never been popular in my class. "Not popular", putting it the other way, is "a popular person to make fun of" and indeed - for years I realize I have just been something like a "friend agency" or "emergency friend" - only when people are in need they'd find me or otherwise they'd not give a damn of me.
If I ever ask what I felt so bad these few days, the answer is pretty obvious. Recently I came to reflect myself again, only to realize that I am still as useless, if not even more useless, than I was. Relationship, schoolwork, friendship and anything else all going nowhere. What else am I left with?
I just don't know.
I have no idea why I am like that: someone who is half of everything, and nowhere good at. Anything I'd do or say has to be criticized by some parties. And it's not normal constructive criticism too - it's those harsh and mean comments that really hurt the heart.
