"Veiled Melancholy"

Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine

Ode on Melancholy, John Keats

See, perhaps IB is doing something on me that I have been starting the past 3 posts with a quote. Nonetheless, this has been my favorite quote recently. The "veil'd melancholy".

Usually after church or school gatherings and a group of friends hung out and had nice chats and meals, being someone who lives almost in the suburbs, there has got to be a section of the train journey I have to take on my own: be it 2 stations or the whole railroad lane. Whichever the case, I would recall on what happened moments ago with the chats and socializing, but then also realizing that at the end of the day, I am just left alone.

I mean, I enjoy every moment I get to spend with friends, whether it is just hanging around them or being in a heart-to-heart chat or going crazy. But after all that the naked truth comes up: all of this is just momentary.

Recently our school held a ball with "ferris wheel" as the theme. What a special theme to choose: the idea that the ball would bring a person to his maximum height in his lifetime (of course these are part of the marketing strategies), but what is implied is that the ferris wheel will also bring the same person to the minimum height of his lifetime consequently as well: the sadness comes with the happiness.

So it boils down to the balance of both emotions. I don't know - I guess I want the happiness and do not want to accept the sadness that comes with it.

Or maybe I'll just sleep and wake up to find everything back to normal and I can enjoy life again as I should be.

Counting my blessings

Christmas is really a great time of the year to just sit down and look back at everything I've gone through. I guess the number of blog post suggests that this year I have been through some ups and downs, but most of the time it is just filled with homework and assessments.

Nonetheless, throughout all the troubles, I am thankful more than anything.

I remember when writing my previous blog post, I was in a terribly bad mood and soon after it was published I've got messages from many friends asking if things are going alright or needed their prayers. I couldn't be more blessed for all my friend's support. And indeed they were very helpful for the situation. After days friends still kept on asking me if things went well and, well, even though it is not completely resolved, I must say I am learning to accept the situation and my friends are all very supportive in helping me go through this process.

So, to those whom I owe a thank you, here is a big thank you to you all.

A few days ago I was writing my Christmas cards to my friends. This year was a record high number of cards and I had to recycle some of the old cards because I eventually ran out of cards to write on. But this is really a great reminder for myself that within this year I've met a lot more new and great friends and brothers and sisters. Yes, there are ups and downs and some frustrations, but every fall strengthens our bonds together. I just cannot say enough how thankful I am for all of you.

(I must also say, there are just so many people I can't possibly write cards for every single friend so please don't feel disappointed if you didn't get a card from me.)

* * * *

Recently I went to University of Cambridge for my interview. Going to such a prestigious school of course made me nervous. I still remember that day during church fellowship I shared the situation with my tutor, and we sat down together and prayed. As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes, tears started dropping and I couldn't be more thankful for the prayer - I was not exactly nervous, but I was moved knowing that I had the support of my tutors and friends. And of course shortly after the prayer I got many messages in support and - honestly - I can feel it.

And perhaps that's why the Instagram post I made ended with "Here in the power of Christ I stand", and that song echoed in me and was the only song I played in my room in Cambridge in preparation for the interview.

Many asked me how the interview went. My answer would always be "okay" - not because I am certain that I will get in, but because I know that I have done my best and that's all I could afford to do.

* * * *

Tons of emotions are rising up as I am thinking of what to write. Lots of images, flashbacks, dialogues, messages... It is hard to organize them all at one go. Hope this post wasn't too messy to read.

Anyway, if I had to sum up 2013, apart from all the stress, it is a huge thank you for all the support that I have got from you. Thank you for all your messages, prayers, and to some of you whom I had offended, your understandings. I certainly hope to have been of support to you as well. :)

Looking into 2014, it would most likely be what I call a reshuffle. Environment changes will definitely lead to changes in relationships and everything: even at school social groups are quickly changing and evolving. And perhaps with all this going on I might have to revisit my blog more often - though I hope it would be more of these positive posts.

* * * *

Last but not least more housekeeping to do. The main page http://felex.2myweb.net/ has been updated with some new layouts. Sorry for all my friends who really liked the "bio" page. It had to go. I know someone out there has a copy of it for your enjoyment anyways. ;)

I don't know...

I know that I f**ked up again

I lost my only friend

God forgive my sins

Don't leave me, I

Oh I will hate myself until I die

My heart would break without you

Might not awake without you

Been hurting low, from living high for so long

I'm sorry, and I love you

Sing with me, "Bell Bottom Blue"

I'll keep searching for an answer cause I need you

"Dope" - Lady GaGa

I never thought I was going to write something about this matter. But it just got me thinking.

Several friends of mine recently got into their own difficulties with their respective ex/girlfriends, and I got into trouble with a relatively close friend of myself.

Originally I thought it was just part of a normal "cycle" between us, but it seems more severe than it used to be. And after consulting several close friends who understand the situation they couldn't arrive with any solutions either. The only solution so far is the prayers.

Maybe I shouldn't get into the details of the incidents. I mean it is more than obvious for many of my close friends.

The interesting part is that, because in our school the IB Grade 12's only have a population of around 50, so it is unavoidable to see almost everyone on a daily basis. I thought I could live without talking to that guy, but, him being the leader of the "Group A", it is impossible to not interact with him.

As my drama teacher would classify a class of students, our year group is split into several circles. The "Group A" being those that are at the top of the triangle and trendsetters; "Group B" is the followers, which is the group I'd say I am in; and "Group C" are the 'nerds'. This friend is a core leader of Group A, and so who wouldn't want to befriend him? And the main reason is not this particular person, but without him it is so difficult to keep up with the rest of the group A/B's, which are the closest friends of mine. One more year till graduation, I wouldn't want to lost connection with them afterwards - and definitely not to loose connection because I am not connected to the leader of the group. My considerations lie farther than befriending someone - it is about staying connected with them in the future.

* * * *

My mind is already blank. I have no idea how to deal with this. And if you happen to read this, can we hit the restart button?


*CC Note: Pure friendship. I tend to describe friendship as another loving relationship, but after all they all boil down to the word love, don't they?

Troubled Summer.

So shall I clothe me in forced content,
And shut myself up in some other course
To fortune's alms.

Othello, 3.4.114-6

This quote hit me while I was reading Othello as part of my summer assignment. Oh how true this is.

Throughout the summer I have been troubled by issues of what is so-called "friendship". I still have not figured out why, probably because I have been influenced by Big Brother 15 or simply because this summer involved less social life than my previous two summers.

I have a "friend". For the past year we have been in contact very closely, messaging, hanging out and whatnot. We've been calling each other our "close friends" (whatever that may mean - maybe I'll define it down below - I have not planned this out yet) for the past year and things have been going on pretty well.

Then it hit me this summer.

For not only once had I questioned the existence of this "friendship". Sure enough it was mainly built and maintained virtually through online messaging, and rarely through anything off the e, perhaps once or twice a month. And I understand - we only see each other around once a week, so the "bonding experiences" (I took this term from another friend, hence the quotes) would, logically, not be too often. Sure enough he had his classmates and friends to cater, and so do I.

Surely I hope to get closer and make the relationship less virtual (I could have used cleverbot if I had wanted a virtual relationship), so I would ask him out like I would to any other friend, but it just so happens that almost every time there are just some reason or two that forbade him.

Fine, so I told myself to wait for there might be other opportunities - or so I believe. It just happened that these opportunities are not for me but for others. And let them be - I do not own him. But it just so happens that nearly every single time these opportunities "slipped away". Oops, "sorry".

* * *

It is interesting, looking back and evaluating this incident, to see the stunning similarities of this and what happened to me two years ago (you can read all of them because that was the reason I started this blog).

Let's recap:

1) Hoping to find some kind of a "friend" because he is popular and hence easier to approach, minimizing effects of my social butterfly syndromes.

2) Maintaining a "friendship" via the web

3) Attempting to ask the friend out, but rejected - he was okay, I was "thrown under the bus" (I can't help but to use Big Brother terminology here) and ended up on this blog

So based on these similarities, maybe I should do the same with this case and end it similarly: fake a smile, say hi, and that's it.

But I don't want to do this.

They say that the deepest relationships hurt the most. They do.

Two years ago, I spent (I refrain from using the term "invest") just months so it was way easier to eject myself from the A-group (i.e. the socialites) but this time I spent a year with this guy before realizing things going wrong.

Only now - as I'm typing - that I realize these concerns popped up in the earlier stages and I tried to change it in attempt that we can build this into a real friendship. What a fool I am to only realize the reality at this stage.

I truly hope that there is a wonderful ending (or another beginning) to this. Two years have gone since the last similar incident, I just do not wish to have to have myself depressed and sad again. Did I not grow up from last time?

Just received a message from him. Oh hi how are things going?

* * *

Some housekeeping to do.

I do realize I changed my style this time as I am writing the blog: made more use of parentheses, bullet points, dashes, hopefully a few more vocabulary... Yes it has been another year since my last blog post and I am heading into the dungeons of IB year 2 so maybe that's why my styled changed.

And another year off the blog means another happy year for me. Maybe it's really just summer that made me more emotional and more skeptical of things around me.

* * *

If you are the one whom I targeted on this post, firstly welcome to my blog and, please know, this is not an end; I hope that this is a new beginning. At least for me it will.

The irony of friendship.

On my way home, poking at my tablet as usual.

Right next to me were two kids from a primary school.

"I'll bet you 10 dollars that I'm getting off the train at this station."

"That's not fair!"

"Well, then if I got off at this station you're getting off this station tomorrow as well."

They started a little fight, pushing each other around.

What has to happen has to happen, the doors opened. They both got off.

Some shouting. The doors were opened longer than they usually do.

One of the kids got back onto the train, the other stood on the platform.

"I told you I could get off!"

Doors started closing.

"You're getting off at this station tomorrow!"

Giggles. "See you soon! Ha!"

"See you tomorrow!"

The train starts to depart. They look into each other until they were out of sight.

* * * 

The train journey continues.

I don't know where the other kid got off. But their conservation kept me thinking.

It was so simple in them. All they need to know is that they are going to see each other tomorrow. That's it.

I wonder, why sometimes we tend to look for "friends" that are "eternal", that are "forever", or friendships that are very "intimate", "close". What I saw in those two were very simple: taking a train together, playing around, a moment without the hassle...

The irony of us. We want friends because they can get us out of the burden we are in, they can free us, they can cheer us up. But at the same time we are worried of making sure that our friends stay next to us, be with us whenever and wherever we want - at home, at school, anywhere. We want to "invest" in them so that they stay with us. We think of plans of what to do so that our relationship can sustain. We think that them being friends with other people will in return make our relationship not as stable. We think so much of them that they're being a burden on us too. The irony.

Sometimes we see people being jealous of other's friendships, we hate to be forever alone. We want a friend. A companion. But what is real friendship built upon?

Wow, I'm back. And need to go.

Can't believe it's a year since I last wrote here. Okay, not a year. Almost a year. So that's good still.

The thing is, for the past year so many has gone through so quickly I haven't had the time to stop and look back until school ended. Yes - one whole year in that mess.

Summer has just gone and we're finally stepping into the IB.

Honestly, that one year of pre-IB was messy enough and it has made me fear the real IB so much. One year of pre-IB was so busy and when you are told you'd be busier even still your brain just has no way to comprehend with that. Those nights busily working way after the hours, that night I couldn't even stand up from my chair and ended up lying on the floor after the math, "googling" the table just for that one important sheet of paper and that stack of notes... It's so mad.

Well yes they compare the IB to the A-levels. Kind of feels like we're skipping GCSE and directly jumping into IB (and in fact we are). It's not that I'm not prepared for the IB - I know what to expect, I know how much I need to sacrifice - but still it still seems too much.

School is starting in less than 12 hours and a few days ago one teacher of ours already uploaded a deadline for a piece of coursework that needs to be "internally assessed and externally moderated". The stress is coming in way before school starts. Together with that 20-page-thick of "guidelines" that we need to go through and all those strict rules and administrative business, I have to honestly say it is comparable to a prison.

A senior told me I am worrying for nothing, considering the amount of stress we've already undergone in pre-IB year, it would not be much harsher in the real IB. I don't know whether that's just an understatement, or whether that is the case. I believe the former in fact. They say prepare for the worse, right?

It's so weird. I can't picture myself in the IB working, studying, struggling, at all. I can only foresee what would happen tomorrow morning - the roll call. None of my imagination stretches beyond it. And as the clock ticks, the minutes pass by, the hours fly through, much of my attention is placed right on where I step into that building, scanning my ID card on the card-reader, and perhaps ready to start. I don't know how I'll start, I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do to start off with, I can't imagine myself starting. My imagination is completely blank beyond roll-call.

I guess pre-IB has already gotten into me so hard even now as I am writing this I keep on being careful not to use "abbreviations" (Yes I am aware I have used it already, but I am not going to explain why here), as we were taught in the pre-IB lessons when we are writing essays. I'm so mindful of every sentence I write (even though I'm pretty sure I would have made mistakes here and there) - even every now and then I would accidentally type "I'd" or "I'm" and have to delete it. See, the madness. (And now comes to urge to double check and proofread it - WHO DECIDED THAT THIS HAS TO BE IN TIMES NEW ROMAN TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL ESSAY!?)

* * * * *

It all feels like on a track where you are already beaten, bleeding, hurt, and you walk slowly, carefully, tiredly... You finally see a line marked on the track.



It's the starting line.

Beyond this line is darkness. That bold, thick brick of tar.

They say rainbow comes after rain. But there isn't even the sun. Not that I can see it.


CC Note: I am still in agreement of my saying that I would only return to this blog whenever I feel sad. So far I'm keeping up with it.

Why, thank you.

Seriously brushing some dust off my blog now. I guess the only time I write on my blog is when I feel bad, which is what I am right now.

School has resumed, and schoolwork has been flooding in so much that they usually flow out again. Last week has been so pressurized and I just cannot stand it.

* * * * *

And recently got involved in a church function and I am not put in an important role which doesn't really matter me. I like to be the small roles. But then again, I got into the singing part.

I suppose I have written how I am not really that into singing, especially whenever I sing the only and only response I get is to shut up.

A while ago a friend called me and told me they were working on the visual materials for the function. I nearly sworn - I totally wanted to do that (Okay, let me be straight, the "visual material" is actually PowerPoint)! Well, too late for anything. Anything.

I still wonder what makes me unable to display my real abilities (or at least I think they are). The thing is I like to take up backstage roles whenever it comes to stage performances. I don't know what is happening or why this happened, but I just feel I am very isolated.

That brings me back to when I'm in church with other people rehearsing the songs for the function. The people in the worship team came from different fellowships, in which my fellowship is a newly-formed fellowship which our connections aren't that board. Only a few of the people from our fellowship participated in the function. We just sit in the corner whenever it comes to breaks, and the others would stand around like gangs and all that. Man, how welcomed I feel.

The conductor said we should be more anticipated when singing on stage, which is true, but the thing is I can't really do that in front of a mirror with other 30 people in the room who don't know me and when my head is sticking out from the crowd. I just can't afford that. I don't know why, probably because I just always get discouraged when I try to enjoy myself in music.

* * * * *

My mind is empty, again.

I don't know, seriously.

Well, all I'd say is, thank you for giving so many wonderful opportunities in life.

CC Note: Don't get me wrong - I enjoy my time at church, just that whenever it comes to the social level I fail wherever I am.