Looking back. 2010.

If I had to conclude the whole year in one sentence, it would be "I became more social".

Looking back, a year ago, in 2009, I was someone who is always pessimistic and aggressive. During this year through many "paths" like school and church, I met many more great friends and true friends.

May was the peak of everything. Everyone's relationship statuses were changing dramatically, it was really stressful. I remember staying in a coffee shop all until 7 from after school just to look at a guy expressing himself to another guy.

And I started texting. Every time my phone vibrates I would immediately check out my phone and reply to texts. I enjoy doing that... feels like chatting with friends.

August I started this blog, and kept track of all my feelings. Many times I have questioned about my true and real friends. To this point it is rather contradictory because I wanted friends but then the friends I got were not what I consider "true" friends.

Throughout the year, hang-outs were more frequent, talked to more people (or better said, try to get connected with more people - sounds like facebook, heh.) and (I guess) I became happier.

~*~*~*~*~

For 2011, you ask?

As I tweeted, all I hope is more true friends. And I mean true friends, not just friends that would randomly call you when they are in need and then you have no one to call when you are in need.

And hopefully it'll be a great year for myself. =) Happy New Year all!

Friends, Fate and 2010.

Another year almost passed. Perhaps tomorrow I will have time to review myself of what had happened throughout the year.

Tomorrow night, perhaps.

Night? Probably. No countdown outside for me.... staying home alone.

I wouldn't go out to a random mall and countdown by myself.... I'd rather be home if that's the case. And that's why I chose to stay at home.

One of my friends who have returned from the UK was hosting a sleepover. Darn it how much I wanted to go! But the next day I had to go to church. Normally I don't need to go to church on Saturdays, but it was a training session so I must attend. 10 in the morning. If I went to that sleepover I would be tired to death by then.

How many times have I mentioned on this blog all I wanted are friends to have fun together? I couldn't attend my friend's hang-outs during Summer, and now they returned, I still couldn't join their hang-outs!

Why do fate and friends have to contradict each other?

Every time I think about it, tears start to fall from my eyes. But what can I do?

~*~*~*~*~

I feel speechless now.

I am typing really slowly.

There are no words in my mind. Nothing.

All I want is some fun time with friends.

Please?

Christmas Eve...

If there's one thing new that I have learnt at Christmas Eve, it'd be that I found myself unworthy.

Well, I used to think that. And I still do.

Tomorrow I am supposed to sing during the service with other kids from church. Note it's a "treble" choir. A "treble" choir with a 15-year-old guy trying to sing high pitches.

I mean I enjoy singing (myself), but not in front of a crowd singing high pitches I could hardly reach. I feel like anytime tomorrow I would burst into tears screaming how depressed I am staying in a treble choir. The voice inside me says I should give my best to offer to God, but definitely that terrible treble voice is not! I feel so ashamed being taller than the majority of the people attending the service and being classified as a kid's treble choir member. I take no pride being part of it. Seriously.

I tried raising the issue to my conductor, she doesn't seem to care. She insists how important I am in the choir (and I have no idea how important - someone who couldn't sing those notes and spoiling the beautiful music - is that contribution?)

A peaceful Christmas Eve. Very peaceful - on the outside. On the way home, I didn't want to talk a lot. All replies were mainly single-worded. I couldn't spare my mind to think a lot - too many was happening inside me. I wanted to contribute wherever I can but it doesn't seem to be the right place in the choir.

As the choir sang Silent Night beautifully I asked myself - when can I stand there and enhancing the only very limited talents I have?

Who am I in your hearts?

So exams have just finished, and I know I will be asking this question pretty soon, with a known answer.

Ever since grade 5, I make mock papers for myself to prepare myself for the exams. Since grade 6 I share with some of my friends, and grade 7 I started sharing it to a huge amount of friends via Facebook and other medias.

Every night my Facebook, MSN, phone and everything would be full of messages asking about the answers, sending them the papers, amendments and a lot more.

I am happy to share my stuff with people - it's helping anyway.

But when I look back after the exams, only a few people would say thanks. I don't mean I am someone who ought to be praised but I do think a little recognition and a little "thanks" give me the motivation to make the papers. Then again - everyone needs motivation and a "thanks".

Another lovely prove that I am still not recognized is that every time after the exams my Facebook, MSN and phone would be dead. I can't find anyone to talk with, no one would talk with me, and so I'd be rigid with boredom at home.

It often makes me think what I am in my friends' hearts.

Well at least since this summer some of my friends hang out with me together. I don't mind if it's just hanging out and they are talking all topics I have no idea what they are (I do admit I am not in the trend), it's still great to be given a chance to hang out with them, and to know that I am at least worth a little bit in their lives.

~*~*~*~*~

A friend at church gave me a Christmas card yesterday. That person came and gave me the Christmas card. The dialogues were simple, "Christmas card, "Oh." I didn't know what to say in fact, it was too cold for me to respond. But when I opened it, I was so happy that someone gave me a Christmas card - at least I know someone treats me as a good friend. If you are reading this, thanks =]

~*~*~*~*~

And finally - a Merry Christmas to you all! And a song I always love for Christmases:

Lyrics | Twisted Sister lyrics - Deck The Halls lyrics
Twister Sister - Deck the Halls

"Top Schools" and Collapsed Society.

This post is in response to plastichk's blog post on top schools in Hong Kong and also a continued post to Gen-Z and Over-Protectionism.


Pretty local stuff, I admit.

I don't have such intelligence to quote from classics or delicate wordings, so I'd rather post my comments on somewhere (to me) hidden.

Recently there have been a few articles circulating amongst the Hong Kong society, mostly reflecting how the society is nowadays, especially the so-called "top schools". Couldn't have agreed more.

I admit I study in a "traditional" "top" school. But it has always got me thinking - if the school were put back into the local ranking system, we'd be rated band 2 (out of 3 bands). Are top-schoolers that "top" in attitude?

I don't think so.

Everyday going through the Gen-Z parents of our school, seeing them taking care of their children as if they were all princes, unhappy with people trying to correct their children's wrong doings... leaving their children screaming loud in corridors, swearing uncontrollably down the streets, loud discussions about sexualities... it's no difference to a gang. You call these gangsters "products of a top school"!?

Who is responsible for all this?

Teacher's with attitudes going "Don't ask me if it's a simple question. Ask your textbook if it's a hard question." What if the textbook doesn't provide us with the hints towards the answer? Or, better said, what's the teacher's use standing there then? He could've found an assistant to distribute the notes then leave. He just have to sit there, in his office, and type all the worksheets for all he want.

Seniors bringing Macs and iPhones to school and play in public with prefects ignoring, bumping into juniors for all they want as if they were toys. Still tolerated?

~*~*~*~*~

What is this? A collapsed society?

Perhaps I'm a part of it. Things that challenge my moral values, contribution for nothing... what are all these worth? Aren't I just the fail of the education system?

Generation Z and Over-Protectionism

Recently came across many Gen'Z-ers... perhaps using post-2000 is better, as Gen'Z defines as people born after 1995.

I am in the cross between Gen'Y and Gen'Z, using mid-'90s as the line between two generations. But this line means a lot - not only to the Gen'Z-ers, but also their parents.

~*~*~*~*~

Today at church choir I happen to be sitting beside the piano, the rest of the choir being opposite to me. One girl sitting on the front row of the choir somehow brought a camera into the chapel.

I wouldn't mind. The thing is, she dropped it - when the choir was singing.

That wasn't everything.

She picked it up, fixed everything (put back the batteries etc etc...) then tested her camera. A flash came out.

Seriously?

I'm not sure if her parents were around, but for sure she didn't have the need to carry a camera into the chapel, did she?

After the choir practice, a parent came in with her son and another kid from the choir, claiming to see the kid disturbing her son verbally and did some kind of "dangerous" actions near his eyes, which can lead to blindness.

My friend whispered by my ears,

"How could she have heard her verbally bully her son?"

Well - even if the parent had super ears to listen to stuff over the walls, why should she complain to the director? Shouldn't her son be the one complaining?

Everything, and everything, nowadays, especially Gen'Zs, rely on their parents.

I don't mean parents shouldn't care anything about their kids, but sometimes it's getting over the line.

~*~*~*~*~

A few months ago, the primary section of our school had a Grade 1 interview. During my time as a G6-er, the interview session was a big thing - it meant a whole day off school, but, as a prefect, I had to return to school to assist the operations.

That seemed normal, didn't it?

Now it doesn't.

This year, on the same occasion, same weekend, only 5 students from the primary sector attended. The rest? All graduated students of the primary sector from the secondary sector.

Ridiculous, eh? We weren't supposed to be there. (I wouldn't admit I actually enjoyed being part of it - but I do not agree we should be the majority of it.)

I wonder if Saturdays meant "must be a day off" or "day full of stuff so important that contributing towards the school is beyond moral values" or whatever. Hmmm.

That's not all about it.

The registration counter for the parents and their kids to register was another problem. Parents were supposed to leave the children alone after registration. They didn't. They stood and waited and waited and waited and waited and panicked a bit and waited more until they were out of their sight. Why couldn't they just leave them alone? My parents did when I was in kindergarten. I cried so loud the teacher had to interrupt the lesson. Still then they didn't ask my parents to come.

It's a process of learning!

You learn to report meanies yourself, you learn your moral values, you learn to be alone. This is the society! What if your parents suddenly left one day? Are you going to cry until you run out of water in your body and die? Learn to live yourself!

CC's Note: I do not mean to be against parents protecting their children. It's correct. But sometimes things go over the line. That's no longer protectionism. It's over-protectionism and it is harmful to anyone's growth.

What am I left with?

Recently I have been thinking about what my career should be. I was thinking about resource management or public relations. At least I am pretty good at that, I think.

Today I presented this idea to one of my teachers. She said that these jobs, if I actually study them in university, would give me no future - they are the jobs most easily to be fired.

I tried to keep my smile on. It was hard. Deep in my heart I ask myself, "If my only dreams cannot be fulfilled, what am I left with?"

~*~*~*~*~

It isn't only that that made me think about it. Remember around two months ago I wrote about joining Timing Squad, as a contribution to the school. I have been enjoying the experience so far. Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances it is unlikely for the squad to participate in an upcoming inter-school competition, in which press coverage is quite broad, too. I have always wanted to participate in that event, no matter as part of the cheering team or timer (not a swimmer - I can never do that anyway.).

Now that I can't even join the event I have wanted to join - or perhaps the reason I was actually recruited to join the squad (to have enough timers to participate in the event), I actually made me feel so bad. So bad it feels like breaking up.

Why?

Timing Squad in our school has 44 years of history and, according to my knowledge, this year is the only year in history we couldn't participate in the same inter-school event. I joined the Squad simply because I regard it as probably the only way for me to contribute back to my school. It looks like now this only way is also a dead-end, too.

All my wishes, dreams, diffuse into nothing, one by one. What am I left with?