Why, thank you.

Seriously brushing some dust off my blog now. I guess the only time I write on my blog is when I feel bad, which is what I am right now.

School has resumed, and schoolwork has been flooding in so much that they usually flow out again. Last week has been so pressurized and I just cannot stand it.

* * * * *

And recently got involved in a church function and I am not put in an important role which doesn't really matter me. I like to be the small roles. But then again, I got into the singing part.

I suppose I have written how I am not really that into singing, especially whenever I sing the only and only response I get is to shut up.

A while ago a friend called me and told me they were working on the visual materials for the function. I nearly sworn - I totally wanted to do that (Okay, let me be straight, the "visual material" is actually PowerPoint)! Well, too late for anything. Anything.

I still wonder what makes me unable to display my real abilities (or at least I think they are). The thing is I like to take up backstage roles whenever it comes to stage performances. I don't know what is happening or why this happened, but I just feel I am very isolated.

That brings me back to when I'm in church with other people rehearsing the songs for the function. The people in the worship team came from different fellowships, in which my fellowship is a newly-formed fellowship which our connections aren't that board. Only a few of the people from our fellowship participated in the function. We just sit in the corner whenever it comes to breaks, and the others would stand around like gangs and all that. Man, how welcomed I feel.

The conductor said we should be more anticipated when singing on stage, which is true, but the thing is I can't really do that in front of a mirror with other 30 people in the room who don't know me and when my head is sticking out from the crowd. I just can't afford that. I don't know why, probably because I just always get discouraged when I try to enjoy myself in music.

* * * * *

My mind is empty, again.

I don't know, seriously.

Well, all I'd say is, thank you for giving so many wonderful opportunities in life.

CC Note: Don't get me wrong - I enjoy my time at church, just that whenever it comes to the social level I fail wherever I am.

There goes another school year...

Wow. Haven't updated my blog for more than a month. And whenever I don't update my blog means either of these: I'm too busy or I'm too happy.

I guess it's the latter. Well, both.

But today as I was listening to some old songs (B.o.B. - Airplanes), which reminded me of my old stuff, reminded me of my previous years, and this blog.

Looking back at the previous school year, I guess this blog can tell a lot. Pretty often I feel betrayed, unhappy, annoyed, insulted, perhaps "unlucky", but when things come to an end and whatever has to happen has happened, I stop and look back: at least I've become a happier person.

One friend (who has been mentioned in this blog for a few times already, under a negative light, for once not) reminded me of this especially. He told me how pessimistic I used to be and whenever I was bullied I'd pull up all my emotions and make a note on Facebook and tag half of the world and say this and that and how sad I was and how I was treated and lecturing and much more. But this year, I guess things have changed. At least it's not every time I get mistreated I'd write something, but rather I have learnt to keep somethings inside the heart and perhaps only release it at one go anonymously (or so I think). And with this I suppose I have learnt to get along way better than I used to be.

On the right of my blog it says "I'm (trying to be) an optimist (in front of people)". I guess now I can in fact remove those bracketed words. Once I was telling another friend some thoughts from deep inside my heart and his comment was, "well, that's optimistic".

I guess when I try to hide my feelings in this blog and try to be positive in front of people, it changed myself into a more positive person, not only in front of people but wholeheartedly.

More joy... more sadness.

11 days of torture finally passed. I sat down with my friends, chatting and talking about the exams. There was nothing to worry about for now - at least we're still far away from our next exam.

But then as usual, when final exams passed a wave of holidays will approach. And when these 2 months of holidays approach it's usually bored to death. So before hand I have asked some friends if they wanted to visit my home, or if I could visit their home.

Originally planned was my friend to visit my home and we'd just sit back, chill, chat, or play Wii... it all seemed very relaxing and fantastic...

Too fantastic to be real.

Sometimes people are always bounded by parents, uncontrollable factors, history... and perhaps I am pretty glad I am mostly free of these - at least I try to keep my schedules as flexible as possible. But not everybody's schedules are flexible, and I am not blaming anyone for that.

But what makes me sad is that I'd have another bored day at home. I have always dreamed of strolling along the beach with a friend or two, or perhaps just having chats with friends at a home completely relaxed and free of academic pressure. But this has still remained a dream.

And what comes along with the boredom is getting worried about broken friendships and relationships or relationships of friends or any other pessimistic thoughts. (The classic example would be to check this blog's history - August '10)

So, indeed, the original joy that comes along when you think you're "liberated" in fact comes along with more boredom and depression.

In the middle of hell...

Yes it's only 2 days out of the 9 long days of exam period.

But I am totally worn out already.

After day 1 of the exams I suffered from a whole body of itchiness and could not even focus on anything that night. Day 1 was maths and it basically killed everyone's confidence. Tonight I am just sitting in front of my computer with 0% productivity. But I'm not even half-way through my exams. I didn't even expect myself to be writing on the blog during my exam period.

It feels like it's the worst moment throughout the year - when there is already no one to support you, no one to talk to, no one to help you, and you are all alone in that huge battleship not knowing where to start, where to go or what to do. It's just standing there helplessly. Hundreds of battleships are all next to you, each worrying on their own. No one could help the others. Yet the bombs keep coming. All you could do it try to dodge away. But each bomb destroys your battleship more and more. Before you could repair it another bomb comes.

Where is the someone that you could talk to when you most need one?

Heartbleed.

A few days before I was texting a friend and we mentioned about my past relationship. I checked back my diary: Exactly a year ago I was pretty much struggling with crushes and relationships and rumors and more. At that time I had wished to be with my crush and it all ended up with nothing but someone else who has a crush on me. And that proves I am not even good with relationship and things like that.

As I texted, I started to recall my memories - how my friends were going on pretty well with their relationships, but all I had was a rejected crush and, perhaps, a "gf" whom I have never really hung out with - and that's a problem on my end, I guess. And from that point onwards I decided to focus on my studies instead.

So there I am, struggling in Maths for a few hours. I am never good at Maths. So I spent hours staring the numbers and formulae, wondering what has gone wrong, to no avail. I didn't want to give up. I wanted to try the best I could. But sometimes, learning to let go seems to be the final resort.

Another thing I have been messing up with, and getting pretty annoyed with, for the last few months. The film project was finally showing some physical progress - a poster and trailer was done. And without hesitation I posted the 1-minute-10-second trailer up on Facebook. Within a minute I received one of the most classic YouTube comment, "The best of the clip is at 1:11." And he repeated that to me today. Oh wow what encouragement - without any reasons or constructive criticism, either.

As I mentioned before, often I like to learn choreography from my "idol", Lady Gaga. And that day when I accidentally made a few moves from her song Judas, people next to me were laughing so hard and I have not an idea why they were laughing - perhaps because I was looking very stupid. But then isn't dancing a form of art? What's worth the laughing? Those laughs feel more like jeers to me.

Well perhaps another reason is that I have never been popular in my class. "Not popular", putting it the other way, is "a popular person to make fun of" and indeed - for years I realize I have just been something like a "friend agency" or "emergency friend" - only when people are in need they'd find me or otherwise they'd not give a damn of me.

If I ever ask what I felt so bad these few days, the answer is pretty obvious. Recently I came to reflect myself again, only to realize that I am still as useless, if not even more useless, than I was. Relationship, schoolwork, friendship and anything else all going nowhere. What else am I left with?

I just don't know.

I have no idea why I am like that: someone who is half of everything, and nowhere good at. Anything I'd do or say has to be criticized by some parties. And it's not normal constructive criticism too - it's those harsh and mean comments that really hurt the heart.

Holidays? Ho.

At a few points on this blog I have mentioned how much work I have been having and wished for a break. Easter holidays are finally here.

Well, it has been here for almost a week already. But I'm not getting any rest.

The massive schoolwork has got into me. Everyday during the holiday has to be involved with the schoolwork. It is no different to a normal schoolday except waking up later, sleeping later and being able to sit in front of my computer.

Schoolwork is still not done and "vacation" starts tomorrow, with my parents. Going abroad has never been a bad thing, but I feel like this "vacation" is somewhat different. With so many uncompleted work, I'll bet I have to check Facebook all the time to make sure progress has been made and all that. And even if I knew progress was not made, I can do nothing to it.

Holidays? It's just a word that means no school but with schoolwork. That makes no difference. And by schoolwork means working all day long until bedtime. What joy.

So as I leave tomorrow I shall panic and panic and panic more. All I can say to myself is - good luck.

It's easier to say than to do.

My goodness. Three weeks of not updating the blog - that's quite a long time.

I have been focusing on that "big" drama project lately and the routine every day is the same: wake up, drama, more drama, eat, drama, sleep. And facing 10+ people's voice and opinions are never easy, and it is basically impossible to listen to all of them. Well, no one understands that anyway.

And in every group there has to be a few people who gives very harsh and strong comments. And, boy, how much pressure that puts on me. Some people just keep on emphasizing how bad my work is and sometimes I just really feel depressed. But oh well that's the world - there is always someone who is unhappy with things.

What seem to depress me most is with people who keep on instructing me what to do but not how to do. I mean, of course I know what to do! I just need to know how to do it. Saying things are always easy, but bringing them to actual practice is never.

Someone told me that the project should be 100% serious, and when that day we were going to a filming location this person decided to stop by at a drinks shop and spent 5 minutes just to buy a drink for himself. And later he decides to pull by at a supermarket to buy more drinks. I was originally really happy we could be half an hour early but we ended up half an hour later than planned.

Boy, oh boy, what pressure it is, staying with people around me talking and talking like they know everything.

That messed up night and that messed up guy

I guess I need to brush off the dust on my blog. It's almost been a month.

And tonight, way past my normal bedtime, I am still staying up. Facebook messages popping up all night long, and my Word document keeps on changing as I receive these messages.

I think I've mentioned how I am working with another 10+ people in a pretty large-scaled project. As a group leader for this film-based project I'd have to set up internal deadlines for scripts and all that to be due, in order for the next process to be carried out. For some reasons these "internal" deadlines seem like nothing and nothing but a bunch of numbers linked up together. I ended up delaying the deadline for two months and it's still not done. Filming starts this weekend. Ho.

Regardless of the uncompleted script, I have to start plan the production schedule. So I opened this Word file and started typing in dates which I have announced months ago and arrange a timetable for each scene to be filmed. Fair enough, I placed these schedules on Facebook.

What I got eventually, was people telling me they are not free on this day and not free on that day. Chaotic. So I had to keep on changing the schedule to make sure the schedule fits everyone's schedule, to a point that the schedule got so messed up I have no idea where to start changing it.

Often at nights I get so frustrated with all the mess this filming project has ended up with. Everyone seemed to enthusiastic at the beginning but when I came to realization, no one gives a damn. No one. Well, maybe they do when I start to use really harsh words.

I have never been a strong person. I'm known to be weak. What you say I do. Looks like it has been incepted into these people's minds that they would label me as an ignorable person already.

~*~*~*~

No good. My mind isn't functioning.

Just as my friend leaves this comment on my very serious status (well I hoped I sounded serious enough) with some kind of word that seems to be some kind of internal joke I would never, and never want to, understand, all I'll say is: Mess up for all you care. I'll do it my way.

CC note: I guess I haven't been a good writer these days. I just realized the title had an inappropriate sense, but that'll do. :D
And... whoever is going to leave a comment saying sorry, you know I'll answer "it's ok :)" - the biggest lie ever on Earth, perhaps.

Phew!

Finally. Haven't updated the blog for almost a month. Time to brush off the dust on the blog.

For one night I am finally bored.

The past month was chaotic, loads of projects due, Timing Squad was busier than bumble bee. Projects were especially pain in the neck, especially when fate allocated me with some group members who don't seem to bother about the project or turn the project over 180 degrees and restart everything just the night before the deadline.

So it's finally a weekend to relax.

At one occasion I woke up 5 in the morning, wondering whether I had Timing Squad that morning (since when there is I'd have to get up at around 5.30 to reach to the competition venue). After sitting on the bed for a few minutes thinking whether it was a Tuesday or not, I picked up my watch only to realize it was Saturday. I had nearly forgotten the existence of weekends. School had me going.

For the past week homework piled up and I had to work until around 10, which is close to my bedtime (yes, I sleep early). Usually I finish work before Mum would come home. But last week was different. Every day I hoped for an 8-hour sleep, but it turned out to be a little bit shorter. Well, at least it's better than some friends who had to do homework until 2am.

And all the homework meant total abandon to other leisures. I seldom log into my favorite online game, SmallWorlds for the past week - I only check in to do the daily routines. Same goes for other games and forums. The blog is out of the day's work schedule.

But all these had gone through. It's finally time for break before tests start coming along.

Dedication.

For the past few days I have been returning to my weird habit of following Gaga's choreography. This time of her new song. I love following her choreography.

I attempted to learn the steps from 0:30 till 1:30 of the video. It wasn't easy, as they were pretty quick.

I continued for two nights and finally got through the basics of the whole choreography. I did feel relieved and happy. I wish I practice well enough to make a video on YouTube. Ha.

~*~*~*~*~

Recently been involved in a school project which involves filming. Of course I was quite enthusiastic about it as it was, after all, my first time filming a long video seriously.

But everything had to be worked out: script, shot list, props, set. Everything. Even the music had to be original.

Well everyone (team of 10+) seemed to be enthusiastic at the beginning. We were all talking about some fantasy ideas, of course some were constructive. But in just less than a week discussions started to die down. Next thing the script was delayed for weeks, which delays the rest of everything.

Then some of my closest friends started turning down on all the ideas we had before. Everything seemed to be collapsing anytime.

Why is a team of 15 required? To work together, of course. But you can't expect a "team" of 15 when in fact only a few were involved actively.

~*~*~*~*~

Just how hard is it to stay dedicated?

I find it easy personally. Maybe that's why I get disappointed when other's aren't. But I do believe that when you get involved in something, you stay active in it, if not more active than you were.

On a forum I have been dreaming to be a moderator, and only after 2 years of waiting was I appointed to be one. If I had quit the forum some time earlier, there would be no way for me to be part of the moderation.

~*~*~*~*~

And as many who read this may know, I am involved in the school's Timing Squad, one of the upholders of the school spirit. Last weekend, under showers and cold weather, we went to a sports ground with completely no timing facilities situated on a hill, facing the South China Sea directly. It was windy, rainy and cold. Everyone was basically shivering.

No one complained. Even when they used a real gun to start the competition (yes there is fire), no one ever left their positions. One of my friend stayed to his post until he was really sick and had a vomit just right next to the timer's stand.

That is dedication.

A challenge I have been waiting for 2 years...

...well not exactly 2 years, but 1 year and 9 months. Close enough, anyways.

If you are not really active on the internet world it wouldn't be really anything "challenging".

But I have wanted this "job" for a long time, despite being voluntary, in a worldwide reknown social-gaming company: EA / Playfish.

Yes, a Playfish moderator. Something I have wanted to be for 2 years. 2 years ago I joined this forum and applied for a moderator position and failed. 2 years later I have finally gotten my dream actualized.

I have always wanted to be a recognized helper. I have volunteered on ForumUp.CN until it closed, and then RestaurantCityForum.com as a Moderator and currently Administrator. Finally, now, I'm a Playfish moderator.

It has only been a week but I find myself getting along with the job pretty quickly. Indeed it gave some pressure for myself, but that provoked me to work better and aim to provide accurate information to fellow gamers.

Also knowing my 2 years of effort have not been wasted, feels really great. For the past 2 years I have also been posting on that forum a lot (until before I was appointed as a moderator I went quiet for a while), mostly answering questions.

A bi-product that came with it is that I kept on promoting the forum to every gamer in my social circle, hoping to attract more people into the forum. That pulls users and the company together, I guess.

Another thing that came along was a number of foreign friends. Meeting friends online has never been easy, as you never know whether the person on the opposite end is providing accurate information. But seeing a team of talented moderators, from the looks they wouldn't be "acting" or being false - we put trust to each other in the team, anyway. So meeting some really great friends have also been a pleasure.

Yes, indeed: knowing your existence makes a difference, makes you happy, just like what I have posted after knowing being appointed as a moderator.

"I thought no one cares about my existence, thank you. You proved me wrong. (':"




Perhaps this changed myself too. As I was writing this blog post, I felt that the style is so different from what it was. No more ranting, unhappiness, but all the recognition, the joy, the happiness - the emotions from deep down inside has changed totally.

So seriously, who are you?

I don't normally use the term hate, but it seems like a must today.

Guy: "Hey CC! Have me get that guy off the line! I'm in a hurry to buyyyy!"
CC: "Well I couldn't do much haha"
So that guy in front of him finally left, now he's standing next to me. He said to me,
Guy: "Get the hell outa here i needa buy!"

And who came here first?

And who did you ask for help at first?

~*~*~*~

Back in the classroom, he was acting all cool like that had never happened. My another friend told me he jumped the queue when submitting something, and my friend couldn't submit it on time before the recess ends.

I don't know how that guy managed to switch from one personality to a totally different one in matter of minutes. No matter how, I hate that.

Hate is a very strong word, indeed.

But I couldn't think of another word so far.

Seriously, I don't like that. The first second you were asking me for help, the next an enemy to swear at, then back to a friend.

Is that what my existence is for? Just someone to swear at when one's angry, and then a "friend" when one's not? Oh - that's not a "friend", anyway.

I wish I could still call you a friend...

Still awake. Couldn't sleep.

Have been revisiting a few Facebook profiles, noticed people who used to be my closest friends are talking about things that I have no idea what they are.

So much has changed.

I realize I have, in fact, no best friend around me. I am not into any social groups, but rather a "wanderer" in class. No one finds me anymore. Nor do people reply to my calls.

This blog seems to be my only place to write down all my unhappiness. I have no one to share with.

Putting on one of my favorite songs, my heart sank even deeper. Yes the lyrics are quoted on top.

"I wish I could touch you again,
I wish I could still call you a friend,
I'd give anything."

I have treated them as my best friends, but for some reason ever since the new school year, relations worsened. What happened to me? I don't recall doing anything special.

P!nk - Who Knew

The Warmth and Happiness.

Today I received a message on Facebook.

"CC you don't have the stereotype of a top-class-er, and you always go along with the not-as-good-class-ers...

(message has been edited without leaving its original meaning)

At first when I saw the message I didn't know what it meant. I asked the person who posted it and he further elaborated and said I am very close to the not-as-good-class people, but other top-class people wouldn't usually talk to them.

If you ask me, I am never part of the "top-class stereotype". I never fall in "trend" with them. Their trend is just too far for me to reach.

I just enjoy talking to anyone. Perhaps this is my new year's resolution too: to be more social.

For once I feel a moment of warmth from this friend. Pretty true, knowing that you matter in someone's heart makes you happy. Thank you =]

(Then again, another not well organized blog post. All happened too quick but I couldn't help but to share it.)