Looking back. 2010.

If I had to conclude the whole year in one sentence, it would be "I became more social".

Looking back, a year ago, in 2009, I was someone who is always pessimistic and aggressive. During this year through many "paths" like school and church, I met many more great friends and true friends.

May was the peak of everything. Everyone's relationship statuses were changing dramatically, it was really stressful. I remember staying in a coffee shop all until 7 from after school just to look at a guy expressing himself to another guy.

And I started texting. Every time my phone vibrates I would immediately check out my phone and reply to texts. I enjoy doing that... feels like chatting with friends.

August I started this blog, and kept track of all my feelings. Many times I have questioned about my true and real friends. To this point it is rather contradictory because I wanted friends but then the friends I got were not what I consider "true" friends.

Throughout the year, hang-outs were more frequent, talked to more people (or better said, try to get connected with more people - sounds like facebook, heh.) and (I guess) I became happier.

~*~*~*~*~

For 2011, you ask?

As I tweeted, all I hope is more true friends. And I mean true friends, not just friends that would randomly call you when they are in need and then you have no one to call when you are in need.

And hopefully it'll be a great year for myself. =) Happy New Year all!

Friends, Fate and 2010.

Another year almost passed. Perhaps tomorrow I will have time to review myself of what had happened throughout the year.

Tomorrow night, perhaps.

Night? Probably. No countdown outside for me.... staying home alone.

I wouldn't go out to a random mall and countdown by myself.... I'd rather be home if that's the case. And that's why I chose to stay at home.

One of my friends who have returned from the UK was hosting a sleepover. Darn it how much I wanted to go! But the next day I had to go to church. Normally I don't need to go to church on Saturdays, but it was a training session so I must attend. 10 in the morning. If I went to that sleepover I would be tired to death by then.

How many times have I mentioned on this blog all I wanted are friends to have fun together? I couldn't attend my friend's hang-outs during Summer, and now they returned, I still couldn't join their hang-outs!

Why do fate and friends have to contradict each other?

Every time I think about it, tears start to fall from my eyes. But what can I do?

~*~*~*~*~

I feel speechless now.

I am typing really slowly.

There are no words in my mind. Nothing.

All I want is some fun time with friends.

Please?

Christmas Eve...

If there's one thing new that I have learnt at Christmas Eve, it'd be that I found myself unworthy.

Well, I used to think that. And I still do.

Tomorrow I am supposed to sing during the service with other kids from church. Note it's a "treble" choir. A "treble" choir with a 15-year-old guy trying to sing high pitches.

I mean I enjoy singing (myself), but not in front of a crowd singing high pitches I could hardly reach. I feel like anytime tomorrow I would burst into tears screaming how depressed I am staying in a treble choir. The voice inside me says I should give my best to offer to God, but definitely that terrible treble voice is not! I feel so ashamed being taller than the majority of the people attending the service and being classified as a kid's treble choir member. I take no pride being part of it. Seriously.

I tried raising the issue to my conductor, she doesn't seem to care. She insists how important I am in the choir (and I have no idea how important - someone who couldn't sing those notes and spoiling the beautiful music - is that contribution?)

A peaceful Christmas Eve. Very peaceful - on the outside. On the way home, I didn't want to talk a lot. All replies were mainly single-worded. I couldn't spare my mind to think a lot - too many was happening inside me. I wanted to contribute wherever I can but it doesn't seem to be the right place in the choir.

As the choir sang Silent Night beautifully I asked myself - when can I stand there and enhancing the only very limited talents I have?

Who am I in your hearts?

So exams have just finished, and I know I will be asking this question pretty soon, with a known answer.

Ever since grade 5, I make mock papers for myself to prepare myself for the exams. Since grade 6 I share with some of my friends, and grade 7 I started sharing it to a huge amount of friends via Facebook and other medias.

Every night my Facebook, MSN, phone and everything would be full of messages asking about the answers, sending them the papers, amendments and a lot more.

I am happy to share my stuff with people - it's helping anyway.

But when I look back after the exams, only a few people would say thanks. I don't mean I am someone who ought to be praised but I do think a little recognition and a little "thanks" give me the motivation to make the papers. Then again - everyone needs motivation and a "thanks".

Another lovely prove that I am still not recognized is that every time after the exams my Facebook, MSN and phone would be dead. I can't find anyone to talk with, no one would talk with me, and so I'd be rigid with boredom at home.

It often makes me think what I am in my friends' hearts.

Well at least since this summer some of my friends hang out with me together. I don't mind if it's just hanging out and they are talking all topics I have no idea what they are (I do admit I am not in the trend), it's still great to be given a chance to hang out with them, and to know that I am at least worth a little bit in their lives.

~*~*~*~*~

A friend at church gave me a Christmas card yesterday. That person came and gave me the Christmas card. The dialogues were simple, "Christmas card, "Oh." I didn't know what to say in fact, it was too cold for me to respond. But when I opened it, I was so happy that someone gave me a Christmas card - at least I know someone treats me as a good friend. If you are reading this, thanks =]

~*~*~*~*~

And finally - a Merry Christmas to you all! And a song I always love for Christmases:

Lyrics | Twisted Sister lyrics - Deck The Halls lyrics
Twister Sister - Deck the Halls

"Top Schools" and Collapsed Society.

This post is in response to plastichk's blog post on top schools in Hong Kong and also a continued post to Gen-Z and Over-Protectionism.


Pretty local stuff, I admit.

I don't have such intelligence to quote from classics or delicate wordings, so I'd rather post my comments on somewhere (to me) hidden.

Recently there have been a few articles circulating amongst the Hong Kong society, mostly reflecting how the society is nowadays, especially the so-called "top schools". Couldn't have agreed more.

I admit I study in a "traditional" "top" school. But it has always got me thinking - if the school were put back into the local ranking system, we'd be rated band 2 (out of 3 bands). Are top-schoolers that "top" in attitude?

I don't think so.

Everyday going through the Gen-Z parents of our school, seeing them taking care of their children as if they were all princes, unhappy with people trying to correct their children's wrong doings... leaving their children screaming loud in corridors, swearing uncontrollably down the streets, loud discussions about sexualities... it's no difference to a gang. You call these gangsters "products of a top school"!?

Who is responsible for all this?

Teacher's with attitudes going "Don't ask me if it's a simple question. Ask your textbook if it's a hard question." What if the textbook doesn't provide us with the hints towards the answer? Or, better said, what's the teacher's use standing there then? He could've found an assistant to distribute the notes then leave. He just have to sit there, in his office, and type all the worksheets for all he want.

Seniors bringing Macs and iPhones to school and play in public with prefects ignoring, bumping into juniors for all they want as if they were toys. Still tolerated?

~*~*~*~*~

What is this? A collapsed society?

Perhaps I'm a part of it. Things that challenge my moral values, contribution for nothing... what are all these worth? Aren't I just the fail of the education system?

Generation Z and Over-Protectionism

Recently came across many Gen'Z-ers... perhaps using post-2000 is better, as Gen'Z defines as people born after 1995.

I am in the cross between Gen'Y and Gen'Z, using mid-'90s as the line between two generations. But this line means a lot - not only to the Gen'Z-ers, but also their parents.

~*~*~*~*~

Today at church choir I happen to be sitting beside the piano, the rest of the choir being opposite to me. One girl sitting on the front row of the choir somehow brought a camera into the chapel.

I wouldn't mind. The thing is, she dropped it - when the choir was singing.

That wasn't everything.

She picked it up, fixed everything (put back the batteries etc etc...) then tested her camera. A flash came out.

Seriously?

I'm not sure if her parents were around, but for sure she didn't have the need to carry a camera into the chapel, did she?

After the choir practice, a parent came in with her son and another kid from the choir, claiming to see the kid disturbing her son verbally and did some kind of "dangerous" actions near his eyes, which can lead to blindness.

My friend whispered by my ears,

"How could she have heard her verbally bully her son?"

Well - even if the parent had super ears to listen to stuff over the walls, why should she complain to the director? Shouldn't her son be the one complaining?

Everything, and everything, nowadays, especially Gen'Zs, rely on their parents.

I don't mean parents shouldn't care anything about their kids, but sometimes it's getting over the line.

~*~*~*~*~

A few months ago, the primary section of our school had a Grade 1 interview. During my time as a G6-er, the interview session was a big thing - it meant a whole day off school, but, as a prefect, I had to return to school to assist the operations.

That seemed normal, didn't it?

Now it doesn't.

This year, on the same occasion, same weekend, only 5 students from the primary sector attended. The rest? All graduated students of the primary sector from the secondary sector.

Ridiculous, eh? We weren't supposed to be there. (I wouldn't admit I actually enjoyed being part of it - but I do not agree we should be the majority of it.)

I wonder if Saturdays meant "must be a day off" or "day full of stuff so important that contributing towards the school is beyond moral values" or whatever. Hmmm.

That's not all about it.

The registration counter for the parents and their kids to register was another problem. Parents were supposed to leave the children alone after registration. They didn't. They stood and waited and waited and waited and waited and panicked a bit and waited more until they were out of their sight. Why couldn't they just leave them alone? My parents did when I was in kindergarten. I cried so loud the teacher had to interrupt the lesson. Still then they didn't ask my parents to come.

It's a process of learning!

You learn to report meanies yourself, you learn your moral values, you learn to be alone. This is the society! What if your parents suddenly left one day? Are you going to cry until you run out of water in your body and die? Learn to live yourself!

CC's Note: I do not mean to be against parents protecting their children. It's correct. But sometimes things go over the line. That's no longer protectionism. It's over-protectionism and it is harmful to anyone's growth.

What am I left with?

Recently I have been thinking about what my career should be. I was thinking about resource management or public relations. At least I am pretty good at that, I think.

Today I presented this idea to one of my teachers. She said that these jobs, if I actually study them in university, would give me no future - they are the jobs most easily to be fired.

I tried to keep my smile on. It was hard. Deep in my heart I ask myself, "If my only dreams cannot be fulfilled, what am I left with?"

~*~*~*~*~

It isn't only that that made me think about it. Remember around two months ago I wrote about joining Timing Squad, as a contribution to the school. I have been enjoying the experience so far. Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances it is unlikely for the squad to participate in an upcoming inter-school competition, in which press coverage is quite broad, too. I have always wanted to participate in that event, no matter as part of the cheering team or timer (not a swimmer - I can never do that anyway.).

Now that I can't even join the event I have wanted to join - or perhaps the reason I was actually recruited to join the squad (to have enough timers to participate in the event), I actually made me feel so bad. So bad it feels like breaking up.

Why?

Timing Squad in our school has 44 years of history and, according to my knowledge, this year is the only year in history we couldn't participate in the same inter-school event. I joined the Squad simply because I regard it as probably the only way for me to contribute back to my school. It looks like now this only way is also a dead-end, too.

All my wishes, dreams, diffuse into nothing, one by one. What am I left with?

True Happiness.

Sometimes I find it funny how the girls edit their profile pictures on Facebook and add in short statements such as "I love you forever" "Pals 4eva ;D" etc.

Today I understood why.

Today our class were to take a class photo. Seniors of our school (so-called "high school-ers") like to take some random fun shots. Our class tried it out too. Well, the class did one, some of us did some more. I didn't know why we did it apart from having fun. I was actually standing out of the camera's range when they did the fun shots for the small group. (The rest of the class left.)

I didn't want to join. I knew I was going to spoil the picture anyway. Either that, or I'm just not accepted. You get what I mean.

A friend asked me to join in. So I did. Got into a pose and took a series of pictures. It was fun just looking at them later the day.

As soon as they were uploaded to Facebook, I checked them out. 80 something photos. Time to tag people - the whole class. (and of course some just a few people - for the small-group photos) It wasn't simply tagging. It was looking through every body's faces, identify and tag them. Everyone's facial expression had never seemed so friendly, so warm. I enjoyed every click I made.

Then I downloaded the photo and edited it a bit. It wasn't those with random words around the people, but simply a heading in the pic. It seemed so normal, but choosing the font and design was never that fun.

Although it was simply a white background with black words, when I typed something seems to be growing inside me. A kind of warmth. Warmth of the class. The class as a whole. I have never felt that.

Someone whom I reckon as the outsider, or perhaps outsider when they are having fun, is now enjoying to being part of the class.

So if today anyone asks me what is true happiness, I'll tell you it's being involved and knowing you are part of a group.

Sudden lost... of pressure

For the previous two months were full of pressure in studies, the carnival setup...

Then came projects that were due within this week. I didn't want to do so much during the weekdays so I managed to complete all during the weekend. Still another month until exams and according to my schedule I'd start revising two days later. Only thing to be bothered with is the Maths test coming in two days.

I'm not sure what is up with me, but for one night I felt so not motivated, for some unknown reason.

What I do know is that recently have been full of uncertainties. Today for some reason my test paper was not returned to me, then I had lots to do during lunch time and after school but thank God I managed to fit in 10 minutes to get the test paper back.

I always have my things planned ahead - I hate it when my schedule is empty but I'd rather have things written on it - "things" as in to the minute: which minute I should leave my home, which minute I would change trains.... everything. Everything has been on schedule, sometimes with time to spare.

But these few days everything is so sudden. I'm not sure if this suddenness made me all relaxed, for it seemed I can't foresee what is going to happen the next second so I shouldn't worry, or it made me so pressured to a point all pressure became dust and I don't want to bare anymore back at home.

Maybe that's what made me lost all my motivation all of a sudden? But I know I need to get on studying. Studying used to be full of pressure. What happened now that I lost all of them suddenly?

(Ok, this is feeling weird and I have no idea why...)

(And a note from CC: I made no organization before writing this. It might seem quite messy and confusing because that is how I am now. If you don't understand.... it's normal ;])

The Real One.

Have been another 2 busy weeks trying to prepare for a fund-raising carnival at my school. I worked with a team of 6. Well, probably more. But the 6 was official, so let it be.

But the 6 didn't seem productive at all. Of course one of them was me and I and another friend worked hard to try to make our stall at the carnival successful. It was designing, printing, preparing, typing, telephoning and trying to sort out massive amounts of money.

I don't mean to show off, but that seemed to be the scenario. The rest of the team was basically just sitting there chatting irrelevant topics and they actually called themselves redundant personnels. Ridiculous, eh.

Well it did for me. Pretty offensive or rude too.

On the day of the carnival, I was in charge of introducing the stall and the game of the stall to the visitors with half of the team. The rest, along with their friends, were in charge of the gifts. Now as I had warned them never to give out too many gifts at one go, they thought we have lots of gifts enough to fill the planet so they started distributing gifts and even sending visitors boxes of gifts - as in all pens.

Towards the end of the carnival, our stall went flat of gifts. Thank goodness no one came since then.

But when I and another friend cleaned up our stall, we found an extra box of pens sitting there. Now who told me there weren't enough gifts?

~*~*~*~*~

Some said the stall was successful. Maybe from a visitor's view it is, but from an assistant leader's view it isn't - messed up numbers and gifts, messy arrangement and resources allocation...

I'm not sure if I'm the one being too strict and serious over these things. But at least this is my values and I do think it is important to keep them. After all it's a "business" - even if it is for one day.

Looking back, I am still pretty much frustrated about it... but it did make me rethink the real face of each person. Some people may seem really hardworking but in reality they are never serious. It still gets me thinking.

Busier than ever...

I'm not exactly sure if I have used this title or not, but anyways.

2 weeks since I have updated my blog. Felt pretty tired. Every day after school the routine is basically the same - homework, revision, practice piano, sleep. Occasionally talking on the phone, perhaps.

I have quite a lot to share about what happened in these 2 weeks, but I guess I have so many to share that I forgot most of them already.

One thing I do remember, though, is I need to write another continued passage on the earlier blog posts "Re: Missing Friends..." and "Missing Friends...".

~*~*~*~

So it is term break in the UK and some of my friends, or at least I consider them as friends, came back to Hong Kong. For some unknown reason every time they come back it seems I am already occupied by another event, resulting to miss the rare gathering.

Once I actually saw the left-to-UK friend walking with my (and his) other besties. The first thing that flashed through my mind was, "Why didn't they invite me?" The answer, which came just one millisecond after the question, was, "I've always been the outsider."

That is no weird answer to me. But why am I the outsider? Am I out of trend? Or what? I just have no idea. Perhaps it is that I never ask what is going to happen and waiting for opportunities to come. But, recalling the previous month, I do have tried to get in contact with them via Facebook.

I told my best friend who happened to be one of those hanging out with one of the left-to-UK friends about what I mentioned above. His first response was "Do you have to be like that (pessimistic)?" Now, don't get me wrong, I never wanted to be. I am used to be the outsider anyway.

So... busy life... result is to miss all my friends. I don't want that to happen honestly. I treasure every moment with a friend but for some unknown reason it seems my fate wants me to be alone all the time.

Contribution and Sacrifice.

Recently I have been involved in the Timing Squad of my school, a timing squad that is pretty much the most professional in Hong Kong. It may seem like a rare job, but I do enjoy it.

Some say it's tough, considering training process is like military training: commands, marching, unison actions... but I kind of like it. Simple, straight forward, often with laughter and everyone treated the same.

And I feel being part of the school - a school where everyone contributes their own time, or I use the term "sacrifice". That's part of the school spirit.

My mom doesn't seem to approve that, though.

I told her the team would be "on event" for one whole day on Thursday, and all she is concerned is my academics. But, come on, missing one day isn't like missing one whole month, which is what is said the choir would do. I could catch up easily, after all. She doesn't seem convinced.

But then I remember she used to tell me I should participate in the choir, even after I told her that would mean skipping heaps of lessons she still said I should because I get chances to visit and perform in foreign countries (which is true but I'm not a huge fan of travelling all the time - occasionally is good). So that was quite contradictory.

But, anyway, as I posted on Facebook:

"The Diocesan Spirit requires sacrifice, just like any other spirit or beliefs. And there is nothing to stop me from contributing to my School. It may require sacrifice, but that is what comes with the Diocesan Spirit."

So yes, there is no stopping me from contributing towards my school, for the school contributed a lot to me.

Keep It Simple.

Someone told me life is boring. It's always sleeping, eating, studying... he wants a change from the "daily routines", something new. He offered the solution he came up with - to go aboard.

The first thing that flashed through my mind was, "What am I left with?" All other great friends have gone abroad, many are leaving in matter of months, and who would I be left with? My tank of fish?

Honestly I don't really understand why "daily routines" are so bad. He said that his relative told him studying aboard is much more fun, social and whatever. Gets me thinking - isn't that still a daily routine?

"Daily routine" seems like.... daily. No matter where you go, it's still the same thing. At least that goes for me: Reading, writing, drawing, sleeping, eating and whatever. Perhaps studying aboard gives an even busier routine, now that it is filled with socializing and whatsoever, according to my friend.

They say studying in the UK is better, with more friends and more new stuff "waiting for you". Doesn't that occupy more time? Doesn't that make one's life busier? Is that a good option? Not to me. I'm busy enough with school around.

Perhaps I'd like to quote another friend's words:

"Keep it simple."

That's pretty true. Keep things simple and life would be good. Why make things complex?

Recently is the school's Student Council election. One cabinet used the slogan "Vote for (name of cabinet), vote for change". Another was "Spark and Innovate." Obviously the former wanted to change, change and change more, perhaps turn the school upside down. The other just wanted to improve the current systems and make life easier. Many voted for the former, I didn't.

Changes. Something that seemed good to all human beings. But clever, or typical, rulers always exaggerate the benefits of these "changes", when after all the change wouldn't be so "grand". On the other hand, they claim that people need to pay little to achieve the change. President Obama wanted to change the USA, he first introduced the medical reform, many objections raised - but did these protesters vote for Obama during the election? Didn't they want change, too? Looks like it isn't that easy.

So all I would say.... the biggest change is not to change. Just improve what we have, why introduce so many new stuff?

Fish Tank Chaos

Last night I got home and decided to do something with my fish tank. Knowing I only have limited time, I decided to refill and change some water in the tank... a few liters perhaps.

So I got the bucket and the pump and started pumping out water. One bucket full - so I went to pour the dirty water away and collect some clean water from the tap. When I got back to the living room, where the fish tank is situated, I saw Mum busy rearranging the seaweed inside.

Mind you, by "rearranging" she meant "looking at which seaweed looks bad to her and cutting leaves or even the stem off"... which takes her ages.

I put on my favorite album, The Fame, and I expected to finish everything with the fish tank and go back to practicing piano after 5 songs, which is I Like It Rough. However Mum wasn't happy that I only remove one bucket of water and she requested that I remove another bucket after I have collected and treated the water from the tap (which I put in the same bucket, which means I have no bucket left). So I got another bucket from the balcony and pumped in another bucket of water. By the time I was pouring it the stereo was already playing the sixth song, Eh Eh.

Right after that I attempted to fill the water back into the tank. Mum opposed as she was still "rearranging" the seaweeds. So I waited, waited and waited. By the time I started filling in the water, it was already the 13th song, Brown Eyes and by the time I finished it, it was the 15th song.

So instead of taking 15 minutes, which was what I had planned, it took me nearly an hour. So that explains why I was stuck 12 midnight practicing piano, trying not to make too much noise. If I had practiced longer last night (or technically this morning), then this afternoon when I practiced I wouldn't be forgetting some notes. Ugh.

Priorities.

"Get your priorities straight" is something we hear often. At least I always say it.

Recently I got involved in a carnival project where I and a few classmates had to discuss about a game stall for the carnival (held by my school)... everyone was enthusiastic at the beginning, but then when it came to the meeting, a few actually turned down on the rest of the team.

We got an afternoon off today and for some reason some people had someone else that seemed more important than a school event to attend.

Is that so?

One thing I know for sure, the whole morning was swimming gala and, as a finalist, I had to wake up at 5.30am just to go to the swimming pool for a warm-up. All I looked forward to was the afternoon where we can have this first meeting. It was called off because too many people were engaged with something else.

Someone even said they "suddenly" got notified of a tutorial class and wasn't able to attend the meeting. The first thing that came into my head was - why can't you call off that tutorial, instead of this meeting? It seemed completely ridiculous to me.

And the deadline for the proposal is 30th this month. I wonder if we can actually complete the proposal within these two weeks, given I am not available this whole week due to other things.

Of course, one would question why I can't turn down these "things" too. The answer is simple - because I was notified earlier than the meeting and it is an art exhibition so I cannot turn it down. I don't think tutorial or similar is as important as an exhibition, especially being someone who would be helping to decorate the exhibition venue. If I turned them down they'd be really pissed off at me - their "reservation" was 2 months ago so I cannot say no the last second.

So I have no idea how the first meeting would actually begin. Bleh.

Secrets

Last night I was pretty much frustrated. So frustrated, still, that I couldn't resist to write another post.

So recently my mum found out about my relationships, or so from her words. And she thinks that the aim for me to bring my classmates to church is to let them meet girls.

To get straight to the facts all those guys I bring either have girlfriends or does not want to be involved in relationships, some even told me they came because they simply want to listen to words from God, which is totally understandable - that is the only reason for one to go to church.

Of course I know right away who told her - my bestfriend's mum. She knows it from the beginning to the end, of course with some bits missing, but she promised not to tell anyone.

Well anyone with moral values would know that it is important to keep a promise - especially when it concerns such high privacy. In this case I'd rather keep my relationship status private (well I write it on the blog because no one reads it anyway) or at least not discussed by anyone - with the exception of myself and friends that understand me and the whole situation of course.

So I feel totally offended by what had happened but I decided to ignore it and pretend nothing happened. My mum questioned me twice about who I like and both times I didn't answer of course.

Now I mentioned in another post that friends should share all secrets and feelings with others. Or, better said, share secrets with friends that understand you. I do not share relationship or other pretty private matters with mum because she, as a social worker, would share my experiences with her clients, friends and people in church - and of course sometimes I don't like her to share my private things so it is better to keep them secret from her.

Dropped Dead?

Haven't updated my blog for a week. I had been so stressed out I cannot even find time to write or whatsoever.

Today I had my Math lesson and I realized I forgot basically everything taught from the last two weeks. Now don't ask me why I used to remember them quite well. Tomorrow there's a special quiz and I have no idea how I could go through it. Knowing my teacher is always tricky I'm definitely there to fall for 110% of his tricks - including my careless mistakes.

Apart from that I have been really busy preparing for an exhibition. I had to type out captions for the showcased works and the host kept on changing the format and the deadline. At first it was a week, then now 2 days. No I am not going to do it. On Saturday I happened to be quite energetic so I did 1/3 (33 of them to be exact) all at a go. Fine enough all of them were rejected due to that the format and font size are not good enough. Now the host uses a Mac and tells me the font size is "17pt", but clearly in MS the font size "17" is just different. I ended up using 48. Well, I tried twice. That completely stressed me out.

My brain has been overheated since Math lesson trying to recap what happened for the previous 2 weeks. After completing the worksheet distributed perhaps my brain is starting to melt. Putting on some music, which I usually do, is no use. Gosh and I still have quite a lot to do - hopefully I can stand it.

Appreciation.... and Depreciation

I'm not exactly sure why but every time I do something my mum seems to oppose. That is, like, almost every time.

I showed her a poem I wrote once describing a piece of art I made, and the first thing she did was ask what a specific word meant, thinking such word didn't exist. I proved her wrong so she shut up. And then the next comment I heard was: "I have no idea what you are writing... how do colors dance?" That completely pissed me off that I nearly had to send her out of my room.

My usual practice is to look for "constructive criticism" or "appreciations". Her comment was neither of those which completed pissed me off. I resort to using that word.

But it does piss me off. Not only that. One night I was practicing piano even though I hate doing so so much. I practiced for around 45 minutes and just as I was closing the piano's cover, I hear the comment I hear every time I practice piano with my mum's presence:

"Is that it?"

Yes, it is.

I mean, shouldn't you be glad that I actually did practice? Comparing to what I usually do (i.e. not practice, or not even touch the piano), it is a really big improvement. And, to be honest, I am happy with the progress. Well, until that comment.

And usually mum would request that I read books daily. Now I don't usually do it, and I admit I have a phobia of going to a library due to an experience I had in G1, so I seldom borrow books unless deemed necessary. What I usually do is to read on the forums or websites like insidesocialgames.com as they cover topics I am interested and... it's reading after all.

I'm not exactly sure why but she is just not happy with it. I do explain and demonstrate to her about online reading and she said that those authors don't use as professional vocabulary as authors of books do. Now I have no idea why this is the case, because, after all, it's still words.

So I tried to accept her argument and read books. Fine enough she asked me if I had read books I told her yes I did. She then asked which language I read. I told her English, as I do prefer English to Chinese even since Kindergarten. (Otherwise obviously I would've written this whole blog in Chinese)

She went on saying how Chinese books benefit me more than English books do. Well I don't really enjoy reading Chinese books as the topics don't cover what I like. And as mentioned above I prefer insidesocialgames.com or other website that cover online gaming categories, and so far I haven't heard of any Chinese websites covering such topic. The largest Facebook app developer in Chinese is 6waves, which ranks around 5-6 on the lists. So undoubtedly there aren't too much topics to cover.

And she suggested reading the newspaper. I did. Well for some reason she still isn't happy simply because I'm not reading the whole newspaper. And, I mean, I don't want to read over what happened in the Phillippines 2 weeks ago over and over and over for weeks because that is just heart-breaking.

She does the same with my cousin, whose business she gets involved in all the time.

Last night when we were having dinner she was having a lecture with my cousin when I was sitting opposite to him. I kinda of giggled to him and did the I-know-how-it-feels-and-it-is-annoying laugh. Of course mum didn't understand the Teen Language and of course I wouldn't be bothered to explain anyway.

So yea this is what I wrote when I should have been practicing piano. For some reason playing the piano at night juts reminds me of what happened and I banged the piano so hard and I didn't want to play anymore and decided to sit back in front of the computer and write something.

A weekend to recharge...

It has only been 3 days of school but really stressful for me. Homeworks are piling up in the to-do list, friends are leaving, gotta deal with the fish which Mum has been really enthusiastic about for some random reasons recently, and relationship is broken forever...

Last night I was cold-battling my ex, trying to ignore all her comments and provoking her via my Facebook statuses telling her I actually guessed that she have been cheating on me and bla bla bla. I'm not exactly sure if that is the best idea but all I know is that another friend wanted to prank call her as a revenge.

And then of course dealing with the ever-changing seating plan is just another pain in the ass. Typos, amendments and as a semi-perfectionist I can't stand any single typo or factual mistake. So I have been updating things at a daily basis, which is kind of tiring.

I also have to practice piano and obviously I know 30-40 minutes a day won't bring any progress to me. But I can't stand practicing 2 hours a day, so that is kind of contradictory.

And of course many SmallWorlds and other foruming business to deal with. I never want to stop those because that is basically where I get in touch with the rest of the world and I just love forums so much, despite all the drama.

Perhaps there are other random things that are happening, because I am really stressed out. And weekends don't usually get exemptions... but I am trying to ignore whatever is happening so I can just enjoy the view from my window and... forget everything. At least it is 2 quiet days before 5 busy and drama-filled days.

However I do have to thank my friends for cheering me up after my breakup. Thank you all :)



And since I am bored today I might as well as write more that is not as relevant. I have often questioned myself why do I write so many personal things here, at times even my closest friends don't know. But I keep on telling myself no one is reading the blog - this is the comment I got when I was asking my friends about starting a blog. So I pour my heart and speak my mind here for I know no one is reading. And if you are.... well you know the bottom of my heart. Do comment and let me know you are reading! :)

Real friend?

I always believe being diving into relationships we have to deal with friendship. Or perhaps the "procedure" is: family --> friends --> relationship. I am kind of stuck in the middle right now so no doubt relationships aren't going well.

Recently it got me thinking what a best friend needs to be. Always be there to support? To listen? To help? Perhaps that's the basics.

But it got me thinking - some "friends" aren't really being a "friend". There are perhaps one or two friends whom I can trust and talk to and tell everyone to them, and of course they tell me everything too and yes they have been a great support to me.

Some others.... well I treat them as a best friend too. I tell them everything. But what I got? I got teased at based on all those "secrets" and at times being threatened they would leak them out too. And, on the contrary, they never tell me about their lives. Not that there is nothing to tell, but every time I had to find them out myself via various sources and sometimes have to guess the meaning between the lines, then put two and two together and know what actually happened.

Oh well I guess the best is the avoid these people that aren't really best friends... and that is what I am trying to.

New School Year.... is it really that good?

I'm not sure.

Today I arrived at school and, sure enough, I am glad to be back at the top class. But then after I learnt who my teachers are going to be, it doesn't seem to be such a good thing to be.

The fact is, from the people I know, not many of them are happy with the arrangements. Weird enough, this year all grade 9 classes have male form teachers - first time I have ever known. Don't ask my why - maybe the school thinks that we are the worst amongst the school so they sent male teachers?

There was also a whole-school service this morning and we were greeted by the Headmaster strolling into the school hall, furious, calling out students who didn't bring their hymn books to leave the hall. Around a quarter of the school left the hall. I don't understand - it's the first day of school and not everyone has recovered (including me) - so why be so harsh? Even though not bringing the hymn book may be quite an offense, but after all it's the first day and every one deserves a happy beginning, right?

And new school year also gets me thinking about friendship and relationships. I'm not exactly sure about who my real friend is now, nor am I sure who I love right now. Life's complicated. I wish I could fix these soon so I could have an enjoyable school year.

But all I know for now is that it is going to be a tough year and a lot to overcome.

Saying Ayooo, Gotta Let Go...

... the summer holidays.

School is coming in just 36 hours. 54 days of summer is ending. It had been a summer with mixed emotions. Sure enough: I started the blog, visited Israel and China, had different problems on myself and friends, hung out a few times...

It's all going to end.

I was scrolling through the school calender this afternoon, from 1st September, looking at the days that are marked "holidays". I went through the calender in just a matter of a few minutes, but then I realized I after to go through all this for 10 months.

When I review what had happened this summer, all the emotions go up to me all at one go.

Firstly it is my favourite online game: SmallWorlds. Had really much fun time with Rissa and my business group and pretty much developed faster than I could forecast - in matter of days a new site could be built up and opened. The HQ expanded from a beginner room to 2 Quattros.

Next has to be my trip to Israel. Saw a lot, learnt a lot. Every time I read the Bible I would start looking out for the names I know and try to picture things out.

Unmentionable would be my friends. At least we hung out more than I used to in any summer. But then, I started to rethink: who are my best friends? Well perhaps I would dedicate another post to that matter. And of course many friends of mine are leaving soon to further their studies. A few have already left. Buh-bye!

Lastly a dedication of a song with a newly-released MV:



Dynamite lyrics

So long summer! Hope to see you soon!

Re: Missing friends...

Last week or so I posted about friends leaving me. Well, the time has come.

This Saturday a friend set off to England, and next week there'll be another bestfriend of mine leaving, followed by others too.

It is pretty sad seeing them leave. Especially recently there have been so many incidents about death or people leaving, I can't be more emotional.

But things come, things go. We can't control it. All I would say is all the best to those who are leaving and I would miss you guys :)

The only regret I have is that I wasn't available to attend any of the farewell parties. For some reason every time there is a party I would be out of town or busy. So... sorry guys :(

Shopping.

I hate shopping... especially clothes.

So, new school year comes with new uniform. Today I went to a nearby shopping mall to by trousers and shoes.... with my mom.

I went to a shop and have a look at them. One pair of trousers look quite good and doesn't offend the school rules, and I like them too. Just as I was considering, Mom strolled in and said they were too old-fashioned. Thinking other shops may have "better" options, I decided to go to another shop (PS - the trousers were "new arrivals")

Onto the next shop were trousers that would offend, or have chances, to offend the school rules. So that is a no-no.

By now I realized we ran out of shops with grey trousers. Oh well we would have to go somewhere else. But that was fine with me.

Next we looked for shoes.I was aiming at shoes that have a pointed tip and thin. Mom chose shoes that were exactly the opposite - big fat ones with a stupidly round tip. While I was trying out the pair of shoes, Mom kept on asking if I liked them or not - this is the classic question she asks and any typical kid would know there is only one answer.

So I said yea I liked them. Without hesitation mom bought it. So now it explains why I am writing this while sitting next to a pair of ugly shoes.

Actually I tried to ask her to go to some other shops, but she argued back with some random reasons that I have forgotten already. (However going to the other shops in other malls was an option for the trousers)

The worst shopping experience wouldn't be fulfilled without having my mom strolling into random shops, ignoring the sales, looking at different shoes then asking the price and design and all that, then walking out of the shop like nothing happened. I feel pretty ashamed walking with my mom into the ladies' section of every single shop and then walking out.

On the way back home, on the train, I sat opposite to mom, not beside her. I didn't want to talk to her. Of course she noticed it pretty soon. She screamed she wouldn't shop with me anymore. Then I said I wasn't even angry at her (I lied). But sometimes I don't understand - why does she only understand my feelings after decisions were made?

R.I.P.

Just a short blog post wishing all those who died in the Manila Hostage Taker incident rest in peace.

Last night the whole Hong Kong was watching the whole thing happen on TV live, looking at the Phillippines Police Force I don't know if I should laugh at their stupidity or cry because the people inside are dying. Up to this moment 9 have died, leaving only 16 alive.

R.I.P.

Staring at things you dream to have...

It's very painful honestly.

Today I was with my parents and cousin who came from Canada to visit us and he bought himself a new cell phone, mouse and pretty much more.

The phone itself would've cost more than the only item I wanted to buy. A Lady Gaga Monster Tour earphone.

I knew telling this request to my parents they'd immediately reject this offer. I don't think they'd accept even if I say I would pay it - which I can afford. But they bought something that is more expensive than the earphones - without hesitation.

Now if you ask me, everyone beside me is carrying Androids, iPhones, iPods, iPads, HTCs, Pocket PCs and whatever. Yes - not even an iPod do I have. Well I don't like to compare, but I am just wondering why an iPod would mean so much to my parents - even if I offer to buy them myself.

So I was in the shop, staring at iPhones, phones and more phones. My dad was explaining every detail of the phone to my cousin and I wasn't even bothered to listen. Mum asked me to, so "I would know more about this kind of stuff". My question was: why would I have to know about these things knowing I won't get them anyways? I raised that question and she went silent.

Going silent wasn't an option for me, honestly. But what could I do?

I decided to walk out of the shop, otherwise I mightn't be able to stand the temptation. That kind of worked, honestly.

I guess shops just aren't my best place to be.

History Does Not Repeat Itself; Its Pattern Does.

I read this from a book. It's pretty true, indeed.

A few months ago there was a relationship triangle between my friends. And whenever there's a third person in a triangle the relationship is not going to work.

It happened on me, yesterday.

This girl who was a great friend, or perhaps technically a "girlfriend" in grade 2 added me on MSN and we started chatting. She started off asking if I have a girlfriend or not and my answer was the affirmation. Further on she mentioned if I had space in my heart for her she'd "rethink" the chances of loving me.

6 years we were separated.

But there's no problem. The only problem is my current one.

Recently I found out she is more obscene than I could imagine, and the feelings started to die out for some reason. I don't know if it is because of this new girl, or is it because of her "attitude" in texting in not like before, or... she is just not the type of person I am looking for or whatever.

There are many "I don't know"s now.

History does not repeat itself, its pattern does. It happened thrice - each on different people but in the same friendship circle. If this "pattern" is a relationship triangle, then the result is not appealing. Not how I see it to be.

"All you can do is wait."


That is what my friend told me. I agree. I don't know what is going to happen the next second. If you ask me what the future of this case might be I can only say it's like the weather - changing all the time. This morning was sunshine and just now it rained heavily.

Lyrics | Second Time Around lyrics

New Generation Teens?

A few moments ago I was addressed as a "ret@rd" for not sending a gift on the Facebook game Restaurant City, by someone who is 4-5 years younger than me. For a fact he knows I am older than him and I have been his tutor during his summer school just a month ago.

I posted this on Facebook and one of the replies I got was

"they're the next generation. trust me. the world is getting americanized."

This gets me thinking - did it "legalize" teenagers nowadays to swear or be rude to people older than them? Recently there have been two cases in Hong Kong which shocked the public as a whole - the first one involved an 11-grader taking up two seats on a bus, claiming to have paid "twice" on the children price (note: the children price is only applicable to people below 12) and another involving a car directly stopping in front of a bus ready to stop by a bus stop but the car owner, instead, said that the bus driver and its passengers were the ones who were wrong, clearly without evidence.

Now the third case - a kid calling me a ret@rd. It just doesn't make sense.

Perhaps now I understand why the people who were on the bus and the passers-by said nowadays teens are un-educated.

Personally I am against this because I do not think that being disrespectful is a good thing to do, especially to people older than me. But why do some people just don't care?

Some say "post-80s/90s" (i.e. people born after 1980 and 1990 respectively) are rude nowadays - as a whole. But personally I think if we use rude words with people that are of a similar age or with friends, just for the fun of it, would not have as much impact as it would with people that are older than one - people that should be treated with respect.

Perhaps post-80s / 90s say too much in front of their friends and soon used them to curse other people, but they don't seem to see a problem with it. Of course I do think that most people still treat elders with respect, and that what I mentioned in just an iceberg in the sea, but this iceberg has to melt.

Another comment I got, from the same person mentioned above, was:

"it's all want. desires. me. everything is self-centred."


Pretty much that spoke for the rude group. I recall I was once someone who is self-centered, but even so I don't swear to other people (or the fact that I wasn't even taught to say it but even after I do, still don't say them... until Grade 7).


Another interpretation is that maybe they abuse the terms so much that it is not even treated as a swear word anymore. For example, recently I have been enjoying myself with "Big Brother" by CBS and words like a$$ or b!tch are still not censored (but others are still censored). Is that what "americanized" mean in the quote? People abuse words so much that they are not even treated as foul words anymore? That needs some rethinking.

Missing friends...

Just a few hours ago a friend who is due to leave Hong Kong to further her studies tweeted saying there were only around 15 more days. And a few moments ago there is this Facebook album which was a great friend who is also due to leave but has always been kind and great to his friends and always invites us over to his home for overnights - it's always the highlights for me on holidays.

Seeing his album without me, I sighed, pretty much regretting having to go on so many trips and not able to attend hangouts or overnights. I couldn't accept the fact they are leaving but I haven't even had a chance to say a good-bye.

Yes - at least 5 friends are leaving Hong Kong. It's a sad fact. Knowing that I don't have a chance to say a good-bye to some of them is even a bigger regret.

I guess I might just as well as go to bed and forget everything. Sigh.

The First Concert; His Last Concert.

Yesterday I attended the concert of Hong Kong Festive Orchestra X Aristo Sham The Primère Concert. The orchestra played fairly well, except they need more rehearsals with its woodwind.

What caught my attention to the concert was Aristo. He has been a great friend of mine ever since grade 7, though I knew him since grade 5. He is going to some foreign country to further his studies and that means after a few weeks when school resumes here in Hong Kong there'll be an empty seat in the class - together with many others.

Aristo is very talented. As his fingers flew on the keyboard, what flashed in my mind were mostly friends: friends at school, friends on SmallWorlds: How supportive they have been to me, the happy times we have had together and what we have overcome throughout these years.

Life is just a few things: Parents, religion, friends and relationship. Or at least these are the basics anyone should have, for they represent what a life needs: faith, support and love. Friendship provides the last two.

I say that because, right before the concert I have just returned from a trip to China with people in my church and someone came up to me and thanked me for introducing her daughter to my friends which totally changed her personality and how we went through with her our lowest and highest times in life. Pretty true. That's what friends are for.

One less friend - and he is sitting right on the piano, playing Chopin.

Gives me thoughts... do you?

So this is my first blog post...

Hello Bloggers!

Not all of you may know me (which is obvious) so it would be more obvious for me to make a long introduction in my first blog post.

But some of you might know me but you don't recgonize me.... ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you play SmallWorlds?
2. Are you on the Playfish Official Forum?
3. Are you a member of RestaurantCityForum.com?
4. Are you a reader of Home of the Cat?


If your answer to any of the above is yes, it is possible that you know me already!


I have the following identities, apart from my real one of course: CopyCatty, Copy Catty and DaCopyCatty.

How can you follow my acts then? - Just click on the buttons on the right! Woohoo! It has never been that easy!

Remember to follow me on Twitter too so I will notify you when I have a new blog post!

What will I write about on this blog?


Personally I have a few interests: music, social gaming, online gaming and writing. So you wouldn't be surprised I will write posts about music around me (It is not necessary for me to be on the trend of the latest music though - just whatever fits my feelings), about my personal life or about applications on Facebook. Stay tuned!

CC.